Here Comes The Fall...

This journal is now friends only in case a real-life friend stumbles across it.

By all means comment and be added :)

Oh, and I have another journal that isn't friends-only over here. It's kinda my 'real/other life' blog for real life friends. :)

I feel like a dick for posting those photos. I always do. Like all I wanted was for people to get upset and worried and call me skinny.  hat ehow this ED has turned me into an evil person.

Anyway, today:

b - oats, coffee (150)
l - soba noodles (200)
d - soup (200) plus, at most, 2 breadrolls (400)
after d - hot chocolate (50)

That is 1000 for the day. And I work fiv ehours this arvo. Oh, i forgot the inevitable flat white. 1070. Whatever. I won't definetly have the second bread roll with the soup, but pretty sure i will binge in the evening if i dont. I'm prety scared that this 1000+ cals a day is fucking with me and not helping me lose weight at all and i am actually putting fat back on while convincing myself i am actually losing. Like a fat person convincing themselves watching sport on tv counts as exercise..

I should get some typing done.. done far too little of late..

Hey everyone, how has everyone been?

Well i still havent cut since my last visit (yay) but i am feeling a tad triggered at the moment and just wanted to kind of vent to let it pass and yeah.

So... one of my closest friends andnow girlfriend since returning from england was upset the other night because she was over at my place while i fought with my (supposed) best friend and it upset her cause it kind of hit home to her how much i had been hurting while she was overseas. So now she is sad and feeling guilty she wasnt here while i was cutting and everything and I hate that. She was my biggest help and inspiration to stop cutting (one of the main reaosns i attempted to stop was because she was returning to australia soon and i still havent cut since she returned) and she was always there for meon msn and i try to constantly tell her what a vital pillar of strength she was to me during my depression but she still feels bad.

i know this is to be expected and is inevitable and everything but i hate it... i dont want the past me to be me now. Yes I still have the scars (i never believed they would actually scar for this long) and yes i still get unnaturally lonely and dependent on people but i have gotten past that piece of my life...i think... oh i dont know.. maybe i have just hidden it all under the warm happyness of love and regaining a new friend. But like.. either way, it isnt me at the moment.. present me is happy and loved and full of confidence and great and i want to be like that for my friends as well. i dont want to still be the emo-cutting-me that they are afraid to be happy around. im happy and i want them to be happy with me.

well.. for the most part they are..but the other night they werent and it upset me... and ow everyone is haveing a really fun movie night and imstuck at my parents house because i promised to come out for family time... note when im out here i hardly see them and they never seem to want to speak aout any aspect of my life, weather its somethign depressing like me cutting or somethign great like haveing a gf. I wish i was with all my friends now.. then i would be happy.

then there is my supposed best friend... we dont seem to talk at all anymore and she is haveing troubles with her girlfriend and her parents hating her and her ED and then she has shut me out of her life and i dotn know what i am meant to do. I want to worry about her but i cant because she doesnt want me in her life (or so i understand it\0 and i want to not care about her and get on with my happy life but i cant stop caring and that frustrates me more because i feel weak for not being able to unattach myself from her and im sick of being dragged down with her.

i think im just scared, really ... scared that im not over my depression at all and that is just nicely locked away for the moment... Like, lets sya for a second, purely hypothetically somethign crazy happens over night and helen hates me tomorrow and we break up and lose our friendship and everything (not that htere is any chance of this happening as we both lvoe and need each other so much but hypotheticlaly..) then i am certian i would start cutting again... and badly... especially as i have lost my other best friend. this scares me as i dont want to be dependable on one perosn alone to be happy... it isnt safe.

Meh..i dont know...this is just a rant.. i guess writing on here is just me trying to release my triggered-ness in a safer way.

I hope I survive this semester... life is startingt o escalate and get hectic again.. though this semester i only have three subjects (as opposed to 5) and have someone who loves me, who i wil soon be living with, to help me through it.. im sure everything will be okay.. im jsut scared at the moment.

sorry for the meaningless rant...but it was great to get it out of me.

thankyou everyone :)

Today was a very good day.

I finally saw my best friend for the first time in like three-ish weeks and it rekindled a lot of love andshe apologised for ignoring me so much lately and it was good. I know it is narcisstic and selfish of me to want her to make more free time for just us two but oh well.. she tolerates me, thats why i love her.

Um, was also good as all i ate today was a bowl of cornflakes, a bowl of pasta and a bowl of oats... by no means a small amount of food but a lot smaller than what ive been eating lately so im glad with that... i dont want to start starving myself again but i do want to control my eating and slow it down alot..i feel really bloated after teh past week or so and i want to get back down to my normal skinny boy self.

6 hours till i wake up and go to the airport where my other greatest friend is returning from england after a year!! am very excited :)

thats about it.

goodnight all

i wish she didnt have such a hold on me

I wish i could give up on her as easily as she has given up on me

I wish she didnt give up on me

I wish she would acknowledge tha tour friendship still has some meaning in her life

(even though it doesnt)

I wish I wasnt always so alone

I wish nighttime didnt make me want to cry

I wish I didnt eat so much

I wish I could still cut myself

I wish I could play my guitar better

I wish I could write an angsty song and get famous from being depressed

I wish I could experiment with drugs without fucking myself up

I wish I could afford more vodka

I wish I was thom yorke

I still wish she didnt give up on me and our friendship

I wish I could die right now without committing suicide

i wish

I wish I was happy

I feel betrayed.

I dont know what to do.. do I just walk away from one of the most critical and important friendships in my life or do I try yet again to breathe some more life in it and possibley live blissfully ignorant in it for a few more months till shit hits the fan again? I wish i could jsut forget her as easily as she has seemed to forget about me. I try to walk away from her and just shut her out of my life but I keep finding myself on her myspace or sending her a text message or checking to see if she has logged onto msn.

I wish I couls just forget about her... it isnt a friendship anyway if Im the only one in it. The rest of my life is rather good lately so why am I letting one person fuck it all up?

SHe doesnt even realise she is doing it.. she is so selfish... so why do I still want her friendship?

fuck it all.

Im in one of those fuck everything kinda moods.

I havent cut since that drunken slip up a few weeks ago and Ive been eating 'well' the last few days. And Im really not appy with that. I feel weak as. I feel fat as. I feel fucking gross. Fair enough, what ive been eating has been healthy food but Ive been aeating soooo much. Im down to 60kg from the last month or so of effort but Im afraid Im gonna lose it all now.

I went out to my parents house last saturday and was wearing my skinny jeans and a tight black shirt and mum freaked about how skinny I looked so her and dad took me grocery shopping and forced a heap of food onto me. They wouldnt even let me take slim milk instead of full cream. theprob is, the food is in this house now so Im not going to be able to not eat it. so until its all gone, Im going to just keep bingeing and bingeing. Part of me wants to hate them for it but I know they are doing now exactly what needs to be done to make me eat properly and even though I dont want that it has to be done.

I just wish I had something to hold on to... I fel like I have absoluetly nothing to hold onto to keep myself from going under anymore. My cuting has been taken away, my starving has been taken away, my best friend has been taken away, Im trying to stop drinking as much.. I have nothing anymore. I know its good and healthy that im not cutting/starving/drinking but its fucking me up. I need something. anything. At the moment there is a big grase on my right knuckle where i accidently scraped it along the concrete wall outside my house sunday arvo so at least I have a wound i can see... somehow that maeks me feel a bit better. it wasnt intentional injury but its still injury... kinda like passive smoking for someone trying to quit smoking, i guess.

I would love to pick up that blade and just do a few cuts before i go to sleep but alas no..im not allowed to. and t sucks because i fucking want it dammit. and tomorrow imgoing to wake up and eat breakfast (breakfast! argh!) and then prob eat moer food and then go to work and come home and eat evne more food like a pig and the gut ive been building since saturday will just keep building and building.

fuck it all.

oh.. and m hell lonely too. my bes friend ignores ME for a week for her girlfriend then has the hide to tell me that i was rude to her by not talking to her for a week.

i want to scream and yell and curl up and hide in the shadows and die and live and a whole heap of contradicting things all at once.

I feel like Ive got no control over my life lately.

I have eatens o much crap over the last two days, i fele so bloated and gross.. and I still havent cut any more which i know is meant ot be a good thing but it isnt, dammt. Why arent I allowed to cut? It helps me and its better than starveing myself which is what I will inevitabley end up doing if I dont cut.

Im sick of this world and everyone in it treatng me like shit bt expecting e to treat them better.

fuck it.

okay, accidently cutting my thumb seems to be a h idden blessing.. it really hurts and has basically snapped me out of wanting to cut.

so im just going to head to bed before i change my mind.

yay..i guess

Well i havent started cutting..yet

I got a new blade out of a razor.. and slipped with the knife while doing so and cut into my thumb and it bled everywhere and hurt and i have no bandaids so i was craddleing it with toilet paper and i wasnt going to start cutting till that stopped and then my other best friend came online...she has been in england for a year but is coming back in 2 weeks. 2 weeks!!!! its so exciting. talking to her and the realisationt hat sh will be here to hug soon when i feel like shit is making me reconsider giveing up tonight.

we shall see...

Impretty sure im going to just give up and cut tonight for real and reset the counter back to zero days. I just need it so badly and I have no reason not to.

sorr yto fail you all...

Ill repost afterwards so you know it isnt too bad. dont worry..it wont be too bad..i never really cut that deep.

So that was three weeks without touching my arms and barely touching anywhere else, save one drunken thing on my arm.

Ill be sure to last at least a month next time... at least.

its 5am
im drunk

im alone

im at my house

no one loves me... everyone has left me and im cutting my arm.. 3, almost 4 weeks down the drain. im drunk and i couldnt stop it..i walked into my roomand grabbed my razor and cut without a second thought. fuck, without a first thought even. i hate everything.

i cant beleive i just cut my arm.. fuck..FUCK!!! what have i done?????????? 3 fucking weeks weithout doing it just got destroyed because im fucking drunk and alone.

im such a fuck up. a fucking fuck up. i wish i was dead.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


everyone hates me no one needs me. NO ONE.

In the last 36 hours I have:

had maybe 2 hours sleep... all with music playing and not very deep
One massive coldplay concert
about 10, maybe 12 coffees
3 energy drinks
10 hours work
one massive fight with someone i love
one make up after a fight

and i am about to go add a lot of vodka to this count and get very drunk and dance to alternative music allnight and try not to think of my best friend in the next room pashing her girlfriend.

If im lucky.. I will wake up in someone elses house.. not in a sex way.. just in a random way.. i love that happening.

we shall see...

My counsellor thinks i should use my livejournal and writings more so to track my depression than just winge and bitch instead of cut. SO lets see how i do.

Now would be exactly when I would cut. I am looking at my razor right now and i could easily just reach it, pick it up and rip apart my arms. How i would love to do so. Yet i dont...why?

I just had a really big fight with my best friend and now i think she hates me and its all my fault. She found out from another friend that i still have some feelings for her (how i wish i didnt) and she is upset that ive been so rude to her lately and made her feel like shit. I know it isnt an excuse but I didnt mean to.. and i didnt know i really meant anything to her or that it would hurt her how it has. Im such a selfish fuck up.

ANyway, near the end of the fight she said "well i guess you are gonna go cut your arms up now... have fun with that...seriously brendan, get help."

That wouldve made me cry, if i wasnt already.

SO i replied "no, im not actually..and i am getting help and you know it."

So now I have live up to that. I feel like I have to prove to her that I can walk away from such a horrible fight and not resort to cutting my arm up. "Why?" my counsellor would ask, "why wouldnt i cut my arm up., if that is how i deal with things."

I dont know. Its just wrong, isnt it? Like..its slicing a blade into my own skin..that is bad. well society tells us and conditions us into believeing it is bad. but is it really? I need it so much right now and my only reason for not doing it is because it is bad.

No, I have too many people who believe in me to let them all down. But why? why do people believe in me? Im such a fuck up. Its like i jsut keep testing people until they finally have enough and leave me. And finally, just a day affter i was thinking how lucky i am my best friend always uts up with my shit...she has left me too.

I am so fucking stupid that i have destroyed the one thing that had any importance in my life.

Im so fucked up... I wish I could just be normal and not dissapoint everyone.

hey

i am still alive.. just life doesnt seem worthy of bitching about at the moment and ive been too busy tired to do so anyway. Got high with an awesome girl from work on thursday night while listening to the Doors and Sgt Pepper all night and that kep tme content for a while. My friend is still being a bitch and im still secretly cutting but life is better.

that is all, ill be in touch.

i want to die

If you are trying to go an extended length of time without cutting then dont read this post.



God it feels good to be cutting again. The release is amazing. It's great to be in control of something again. My counsellor was afraid of taking my cutting away without replacing it with another outlet for my emotions and now I understand why. I was going crazy. I felt like I had no control over anything at all in my life. I was trying to starve myself but I wasn't doing very good with that. And now I have something to hold onto again. The thin redlines across the top of my arms and over my chest remind me that I can at least control one thing in my life, even if everything else is slipping through my fingers.

This time it feels even more controlled as from now on no one will find out about it. I hate lying to my friends but this is worth it. I am still not going to cut the lower half of my arms so that when my friends force me to rollup my sleeves i can still conceal the cuts. From now on it will be MY thing. As far as my friends know, it has been 15 days since I last cut.

I do feel terrible that I am going to be lying to my friends.. if i was to find out they had been cutting and hiding it from me I would be devestated. So I guess I just have to be sure that they never find out, so that they arent devastated. It is risky, but it is the only way it is going to work.

Im actually not sure what Im saying but I think Im sounding like a narcisstic bastard so i should stop. I do love my friends, really I do... I just dont want to hurt them anymore. The only person I want to hurt is myself.

anyway, yes.. I'll shut up now.

well it was far too cold to cut last night.. as I refuse to do my arms (want to be able to hide it from my friends). So instead I just went crazy and cried a lot while curled up in a ball under my blanket while listening to coldplay. And then this afternoon I cut all the cuts I wanted to do last night on my chest and waist and so forth. I hate to admit it feels good but it does.

aaargh, ive eaten so much today... and ive hardly cut. Im going insane. Goddammit, i need to cut.

Sorry for the constant updates..but this lj is the only outlet i seem to have left.. I cant cut, I cant complain to my 'friends', i cant starve.. i cant do fucking anything right.

kill me now.

someone PLEASE just kill me now.

goddammit why the fuck cant i just stay happy, what a load of bullshit. im sick of this. im so so so sick of it. why cant i just be happy? I havent done naything bad to deserve a shit life. fuck it. fucking fuck it.

I just want to stay happy for more than a few days in a row for ONCE in my post-pubescent life. why is that so fucking hard? I just have to accept tha tim going to always be alone and take the good things that i have regardless of that.

Im so fucking sick of it.

fuck... i just want to cut but im not even able to do that ebcause my pseudo-friends will pretend to care and make me feel bad.

sigh.